Today at church I experienced my first “Vision Sunday.” We in the audience all received a card to write down our visions and dreams and hopes for this year, and people we are dedicating our time and energy to praying for every day. We then received prayer and anointing over ourselves for the things we wrote. The sermon today that was given was a message that was meant for me to hear. It was about creating beautiful beginnings after broken endings.
There’s been a part of my heart that has held onto the pain of something that happened last summer. With each month that passes by, healing and freedom from the suffering has come thankfully. But there’s a part of me that has just not let go completely. And to be honest, it’s not that I can’t, I think it’s because I am afraid. Afraid that if I let go, that means that dream will never come true. And this is the first time I am admitting this to myself. That deep down I distrust in the fruition of this dream coming true for my life. And it baffles me because in all areas of my life I trust God completely that I know he provides and brings his best for me. But this one area, that has been filled with so much pain, grief, loss, over and over again, has built a barrier of lack of trust and faith. And because of that, it has been difficult for me to truly let go of my way for God’s way of journeying through and to this dream of having love in my life.
6 months to stand at this crossroads of gaining the courage to release the grip I have on the painful situation I went through last summer. To release the grip on the moment that broke my heart. To release the grip of fear that because someone chose someone else over me, it doesn’t mean there isn’t someone who will one day choose me. This is the one area I have struggled with my entire life. Broken heart, after broken circumstance, after broken promise. I have experienced so many heartbreaks and arose stronger than before. And this time is no different. This last broken heart I experienced last year changed me. It changed my life. The pain was so severe that it felt like it broke me to the core and the light finally was able to be shown through and open up my eyes to what I needed to mend inside of my heart to finally heal this area of my life.
6 months of true healing and growth has taken place in my heart, mind and life. Even though it was truly the most painful and confusing breakup I have been through, it was the most life changing one. The love he brought into my life for that year was transforming. He opened my eyes to what I needed to see inside of myself. His presence and his absence changed everything. He was exactly what I needed to get to this level in my life. My heart was never angry towards him, which is a first for me and breakups. Usually I feel some type of anger, but this time was different. My heart knew his heart and what type of suffering he was going through, so even though my heart was the one stuck in the crossfire of the war within himself and his past, I was washed over with a deeper sense of intuitive understanding towards him. This understanding kept me rooted in love and gratitude towards him this entire time. And even though he chose a different way to walk in his life, the path away from me, the best way I can love him from afar is praying for him and his heart healing. I’ve prayed over him and his family since the beginning and will continue to do so. And I guess that is my gift of love that I can offer him. That wherever he is in this world, he has angels watching over his life. That he is forever in the warming embrace of God’s love and protection. But with that being said, the sermon today spoke directly to this heartache inside of me. That even though something ended in such a broken way, something beautiful can begin from it. And even though I struggle with trusting that one day someone will choose me, I know God is a loving good father to me and he knows the desire in my heart to want to share my heart with someone. And by knowing this, my heartstrings that are still attached to the pain of that moment last year, are slowly being cut into freedom in healing.
In order to rise up in this life to the level I need to be to achieve my dreams, and goals, I need not to be tied to the things that hurt me in my past. Or the people. To truly create a beautiful beginning from a broken ending, it is my responsibility to present and future self to do what is best for my mind, body and spirit. And with each day I embrace, a piece of my heart heals. I spent a year loving him, and I decided last year that I spend this time truly learning how to love myself and those around me on a deeper level. Redirect the love to pouring into the lives around me, and into my own life. And honestly, I have never felt like my heart has ever felt this raw and vulnerable. It has been such a journey to get to this place, and it took that heartbreak to get me to it. A broken ending turned into a beautiful beginning of truly evolving into the person I was created to become. God is making a new me, one who can pour a deeper and more empowering love into those that I cross paths with. This process of breaking and healing is truly a gift, even if it is the most painful and most unwanted gift of them all. It is a gift. A gift that changed my life and set me on the path to my destiny and hopes and dreams.
Something that prevented me from writing about my breakup was the fear of what others would think about me or what he would think, if he ever read any of my writings. This fear kept this inside of me the past 6 months. And this fear has kept a lot inside of me with other areas of my life too. But through these 6 months of learning how to whole heartedly experience all of my emotions in order to truly heal from them, I learned that being vulnerable with my own heart, has opened up new wisdom and growth within me to mature and change things I needed to change. The vulnerability to be raw and embrace my sensitive empathetic heart with others has also transformed my life. I always let fear from getting betrayed or hurt again, keep me from fully opening up with others. And this summer when I went through almost losing my mom to death, losing the guy I had fallen in love with, losing my “dream job,” (had to walk away from toxic situation), losing one of my close friends, and losing myself in the grief of it all, honestly just broke me down to where all I could be was vulnerable with the people around me. I had to feel every emotion, disappointment, and loss (change). Going through a summer full of heartbreaks taught me there was no other choice but to feel and not repress or hide my feelings, like I used to. Everything inside of me just poured out for such a long time and it was through that breakage that sunlight began to shine through the cracks and revive my true self. It was an awakening for me in every area of my life. I got shaken up to get woken up. From broken endings, arose beautiful beginnings. And God, the faithful provider, brought into my life more fulfilling circumstances.
So, even though fear sometimes tries to hold me back and keep me stuck in the broken moments of my life, my faith overcomes it and keeps me moving toward the beautiful moments in my life journey. I’m not perfect, I am human and I have a sensitive heart where, when I welcome you into my life, I love you whole heartedly, and if you choose to leave and walk another way, I gracefully accept it, but it truly impacts my life, and regardless if you stay or go, I will continue to love you whole heartedly and want nothing but goodness to surround you.
The lessons I learn from broken endings are the strongest and most powerful ones that I have learned in my life. And I am forever grateful for each beginning and ending, for that is what has molded me and built me up to become the person I am becoming to achieve the destiny I am fulfilling.